Transforming the comparison trap into the compassion trap...

I want to let you in on a secret folks. They don’t. Trust me. They don’t.Who don’t? What don’t they? I hear you say.Have it all figured out. I add. And ‘they’? Well they are all of us. Ah, a sigh of relief.More and more, this is what I see: people trying, people struggling, people fearing and so many people thinking they have to have it all figured out and worrying that they don’t.In the world of fast paced social media it is so easy to look around at other people and think they have it all sorted. We can look at their websites, glam shots, followers, comments, media coverage, products, services, sexy lives, sexy bodies, sexy friends, sexy everything and think… they have it all. In doing so we can feel so far removed that we think we can never ‘get there’, and so we don’t bother, or we stop believing, or we feel like hiding under the bed covers and never coming out.I am not fully sure where ‘there’ is, but one thing I am sure of is that it is not a fixed place, or number, or a bank balance. Ask any one of those people is they think they have it all sorted, or figured out and I am pretty sure that they’ll say no. How could they?And why do I know this? Because by virtue of the fact that life is a creative act and art, living it is a creative process, and, at best, the creative process is messy. In many ways, the messier the better. The mess is so much part of the process that it is the process. It is by navigating the mess that new ideas and connections can emerge. The mess offers us a chance to explore and make non-direct linkages, which leads to new pathways. The mess is not negative, but necessary. But I also suspect this: that behind the scenes of every glam shot, or every instagram tally, or every six-figure business owner, is a person desperately willing themselves on to navigate this messy and complex and beautiful thing called life. Behind the scenes, in fluctuating waves, there is also doubt, uncertainly, fear, courage, love, trust, pain, resistance, self love, self loathing, persistence, frustration, joy, anger and hope. Those feelings are there because they are intertwined in the human condition; they are all part of the natural emotional and cyclical journey of life.When we start to look over our shoulders it is all to easy to fall into the comparison trap. And it is exactly that- a trap. It snares us and stops us from making progress and building traction. It keeps us looking over our shoulder, forgetting to look within and making the next move which is only ours to make.Sure we can be inspired by others and learn from others, but let’s not assume they have it all figured out. It’s not fair on us, and it’s not fair on them.So, here’s another little secret from behind my own scenes: I am writing these words today because I needed to hear them myself. I so needed to hear them. All morning that comparison trap had its jaws wide open and was leaning in to pounce. Much as I hate to admit it, I found myself flipping through instagram, on websites, making judgements. Beyond the judgements, at a deeper level, I was criticising myself which went something like this: 'you should be doing more, you should have it sorted, you’ll never get there, ‘X’ can do it, why can’t you…'  Pretty soon there were tears, pretty soon I wanted to give up on it all, and pretty soon I was in a darker state of affairs….‘WOAH. WOAH. Slow down there woman, steady up'' Another saner part of my brain chimed in.  I suppose I could see what was happening.So, what to do? Well today, knowing that a break of scene was required, this is what I did:I turned off my phone.I went for a walk to the post box and then delivered the post to the elderly man who lives beside me. We had a chat about daffodils and chaffinches.I had a very hot shower.I lit the fire. Then a candle. Then some incense.I made some tea and sipped it slowly looking out at the rain.I cuddled my dog. And then again.I took a deep breath and I realised I need some reminders of the progress I have been making, and so I got out a bunch of journals and read back. Then I took out my computer, opened a blank document and started writing, as a reminder that I am just trying to figure it out, one step at a time. We all are.So let’s give ourselves some slack and wiggle room, and see if we can transform that comparison trap into a compassion trap. For us. For them. For each other.