Grief and Gift
Spring is attendant to spring itself. After a long sojourn in winter’s dark, first the budding, now the bloom. The daffodils seem early this year, but I have been saying that for some seasons now, as time and arrivals are being re-ordered, rearranged. Weeks seem to shuffle and certain openings jump the queue.
I haven’t know how to begin this post, for how does one learn to begin again? With every new beginning there are fumblings and fallings. But as ever, we start by taking the first step, or writing the first words, however imperfect. Where it leads, it doesn’t matter, for momentum leads us to follow with the next.
I thought I had started, of course, back into a busy university teaching schedule and my facilitation world; the noise and joy of that. But then, BOOM. Life offered perhaps the greatest rearrangement of all, death, and grief has entered into my bones to shake and remould the very shape of me.
You see, just under two weeks ago (as it only been that long?), one of my dearest, most beloved, most cherished soul friends, passed away. She was my mentor, my guide, my anam cara, my soul companion, who I thought I would be walking along the creative path with for many years to come. But life and death did their own shuffling, and now our path has shifted. Her, in my heart now, pounding it to life, to love, in an ever deepening spiral of opening and gratitude. I want to write about her one day, and sing of her vast and glorious depths, but that will come. For now her passing has blown me right open, and into that chasm I dance and cry and paint and move and laugh and surrender. Grief is teaching me to step into it like a precious gift, unwrapping the layers, finding gems, even finding the parts of myself I had jettisoned to the abandoned corners of my heart. Even in her dying, she is giving.
And through all of that, spring is still attendant to spring. I pick daffodils from my back garden, and bring them to her grave. The birds chatter, busy building nests. My tears move to mist, move to rain, move to ocean. Through the mist, an emergent rainbow. Everything becomes something else. I take a step closer. It is a movement towards. Towards what, I do not know, but towards. She always pointed me there. I am here to follow.
Hello. I'm Clare
I'm a writer, educator and facilitator, living in beautiful West Cork, Ireland. I love to share resources and learning to help harness the regenerative power of words, place and story. I hope my work offers nourishment for mind and soul. Thank you for being here. Clare x
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